the things we used to do

I should be totally working on my two papers or studying for my midterm tm, but of course of all times i need to really be hitting the books...i'd rather be writing my thoughts. LAME BRAIN. Anyway,..... I was just thinking back within these past five years and how its all winding down to an end soon before we can even blink our eyes. I'm getting quite nervous just as every college graduate should be feeling but i think i'm more nervous of how much i'll miss this college life as opposed to whats really going to happen to me in the long run and will I continue to pursue this career ive chosen. But God's working in mysterious ways, and i'll continue to let him guide me to which ever way he desires. I always talk about how things were back then and how much I miss them but i think the simple things in life ...ESPECIALLY in college is something that i'll def miss...amongst them would probably be:

1. Having so much leisure time to be able to nap and not feel like youve wasted half your day.

2. stay up late and wake up early..go to class on 2 hours of sleep

3. eat whenever, wherever, however

4. freedom to go to everyone you know and go to school with because they all live around you

5. being able to go cray on a thursday knowing no school friday.

6. having so much alone time and being able to gather thoughts

7. finding your true self slowly..but surely.

8. this isnt even what i planned on writing on but somehow ended up coming up with a list i had no intentions for, so before i go into typical lames, i'll end it here and continue into a more further in depth post on my 5 years of undergrad college life, probably after I walk this MAY!

experience with the right people.

One of the many many things I've learned growing up is that no matter where you are and no matter how amazing or paradise like the place or thing can be, it can not be satisfied or live up to its "greatness" unless you are with the greatest people. And that no matter how many times i've tried to convince myself that isnt true, it seems to only prove me wrong every single time.

I could be in hawaii with the best view, most relaxing sounds, amazing eye candy on the beach, but if im not with the right people...no happiness could amount to what I've expected the turn out to be. I could be ballin' with a milli milli dollas in my hands and rollin through with a range rover, but if i had nobody to share that with or spend it with, no happiness could be accentuated upon that feeling.

It pretty much goes to say that, it doesnt matter how much money or materialistic things you have..if you dont have anyone to share or spend it with, everything is useless. Needless to say, if you dont have the RIGHT type of people to share the experience with, you pretty much dont have an experience to remember.

gave back in.

oh my, its been a long time here and i know you loyals have been quite disappointed. Apologies to the max, ive been busy and had a bunch of brain farts within the time being i was M.I.A. I was gonna shut this whole blog down, but i guess i can never really just give up on it. Ive been writing in my journal..NO, not diary..a journal, same as a blog but in a book instead....and if you can find it on me, feel free to read just dont tell me. haha but i guess i am back for whenever i do need some ventilation..here goes my first post back, just a short quote that really just lies straight to the truth...and to know to never, ever trust anyone and know where your loyalty stands.

"Always question where your loyalty lies. The people you trust will expect it, your greatest enemies will desire it and those you treasure the most will, without fail, abuse it."

you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere....

i know i should probably start on my paper thats due tomorrow but i feel like eh, my brains way too fried from this mornings 715 final...So instead i'll take the time to release some unnecessary crap thats stuck on my chest AND back.

TOP TEN "You know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere"....:

10) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when the boss has to take your phones away from you in the beginning of every shift because your idiotic coworkers decide to be buried in their phones instead of serving customers.

9) You know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when your coworkers add you on facebook but never say hi to you when you work with them let alone seeing them outside of work.

8) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when you see your coworkers outside of work and they try to act like they dont know you but hit you up with the quickness when they need a shift covered.

7) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when 75% of your coworkers has hooked up with each other. World's cleanest recycling bin.

6) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when theres always one person whose the main juice of the day to talk about at work no matter what day of the week it is.

5) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when your coworkers start rumors that don't even make sense just because they can't be on their level of CRACKINNESSSSSS.

4) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when you still use the word CRACKINNESSSSS.

3) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when for christmas secret santa on elfster, your coworker has no shame and wishes for a gstring/bra set..how professional.

2) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when your coworker is putting up stickers of themselves promoting their bodies, half naked on your work walls.

1) you know you work in a frikin high school atmosphere when.......theres not one shift when alcohol, drugs, partying, and ecstasy is not brought up between coworkers. STD, thizz iz what it iz my nigg, hyphyhyphy, high school life ALL OVER AGAIN. YAY.

a real friend.

pic via from shannon's blog:

a real friend..understanding more to the fact that sex and money are not the main keys to a friendship and life but how far they'd go the distance during an unexpected time.

girlsarethenewboys.

She done did it again, took the words right outta my brain and put it into words. An entry from ABI.

You ever watch a movie and swear you’re the only one in the theater, and they’re specifically talking to orabout you? That’s how I felt during the scene in Friends With Benefits when the following conversation between Jaime (Mila) and Dylan (JT) ensued:

Jamie: Look, I know that I act all tough and I talk all tough, but really…
Dylan: It’s just a front to protect yourself from your own vulnerability.

To which I have only two things to say to the FWB screenwriters, “F YOU,” and “Where’s my royalties?” Because I swear I’ve been incepted.

It’s not so much that I pretend to be tough, I just pretend as if I don’t care. At all. I have this nonchalant act down to such an art, that I won’t even tell you I’m leaving when really I just want to lay in bed with you all day. Then I expect you to know exactly how I feel. Of course I do.

You see when it comes to relationships, it’s extremely difficult for me to talk about my feelings. Not too sure why, I’m a woman. I thought it’s what we were born to do. But when it comes to telling someone how I feel, I kind of rather burn my hair instead.

But what can I say? I’m stubborn. It’s not that I’m a slow learner. It’s just that things never seem to make sense, or permeate until I learn the HARD WAY. Which means yes – making the same mistake twice … thrice, and if I knew how to say it past three I would. I still agree that some things are better left unsaid, especially when you’re just beating a dead horse. What it comes down to is WHY. Why do you feel the need to have that talk? To send that email? To send that text? If it’s in an attempt to change the other person’s mind about a current situation you’re probably better off leaving it alone. But you can never go wrong when you do things solely for yourself.

You can also never go wrong with stating your intentions as soon as you know them, and being honest about your feelings from the jump. You can hold out in hopes that the feelings will just go away, or at the very least save face. However, it will never worth the tears that fall down your face when you realize you should’ve said something sooner.

Satisfaction

Satisfaction 04:

Losing something that means so much to you while being absent minded =( and having it come back to you. #bestfeelingever.

Christmas/BDAY wishlist.

Some stuff on my wishlist. i'll update as I think of more.

found @ NBA.com

found @ http://karvt.com/shop/maple-natural-iphone4/

can be found @ http://www.karmaloop.com/product/126996

Satisfaction

Satisfaction 03: NOT getting a two in one gift for your birthday and Christmas. -__-. For all the December birthdays, i'm sure you can relate. #bestfeelingever.

2012.

I woke up this morning actually i'd say more like afternoon from this crazy dream only to realize again, it wasn't a dream but was reality. I've come to my conclusions that what I fear the most are natural disasters that no one can but God can take care of.

Last night at work I was feeling under the weather, got past the customers and sucked it up to finish till it was time to go home. Instead of going straight home for once, I decided to head over to some friends place since I haven't hung out with all of them in a long time. Soon as I got there I was dead tired but managed to pull off some type of energy. Browsing through my friends computer, I saw a post on someone's tumblr about the little things we appreciate and one of them said "lighting up candles when there a black out". I didn't think anything of it other than "oh thats pretty true" then couple minutes before 12, the lights start flickering a little and so I joke around with my friend telling them why they havent paid pg&e again and they joke around saying, "yea we havent paid it in two months so the lights are going to go out at midnight". HAHA joke joke joke, no big deal. Only to happen at 12:13 am- lights flicker on and off and the whole building is pitch dark. No big deal, just a mini black out around the hood due to the mini tornado of whirlwinds outside.

So a couple of minutes later, i'm starting to get a little nervous because my roommates are starting to text me and ask me where I am and to come home. So I dropped my friend off to pick up some of his belongings and dog only to realize the whole darn south side of SJSU campus was blacked out. It didn't really hit me how freaked out I was until literally stoplights were swaying back and forth so swiftly and trees were flying EVERYWHERE and my car was being hit by a ton of gunk flying in the air. Dodging the trees felt like I was dodging dead human bodies on the floor because the trees and palm trees branches on the streets were THAT big. I get close to a block away from my house and theres a cop car just parked there with his lights on blocking off my block and I'm so confused why its parked there and I realized just as I was about to drive around it that a couple of feet away from me was the telephone wire that dropped and they were trying to put it aside. Stupid DTSJ has so many one way streets you pretty much had to go all the around down 4 blocks just to get back to my street. And thats exactly what I did except I freaked out everytime I turned into the wrong dead end street cause it was so dark. I finally got back to my house and parked and ran back to my house fighting the winds...didnt realize how pitched dark it was when I ran into a random person walking the streets that scared the HELL out of me. At this point i'm freaking out and I run into the house, my roommate is there gearing on some clothes like they were ready to go home and all the candles are lit in the house. I get down to my room and change so I can go meet up with everyone else apparently outside the house and as I get my dog, whose also freaking out because he wont move everytime I try to get him outta his side of the room, I call my roommate to help me. Only to realize, he left me too=(. Super sad, I ran upstairs and was at the verge of going crazy, thankfully....they all storm back into my house and tell me black out is cause of the wind and trees falling on the wires, etc.

So we're all hanging out in my room since its the basement and you hear less of the nightmare going on outside. And while playing cards trying to not think about whats really going down, I hear the gates creaking because of the winds blowing it half off out walls.

All in all, I've learned to realize at that moment of darkness, loneliness, sickness, and natural disaster CRAZINESS, I am more than beyond grateful for having friends who can help cure a fear by simply just being right next to me to "wait for the storm to pass". I literally woke up today and thought about how crazy that whole night was. During the craze, we drove to danville back to one of my roommates mom's place and hung out there for a bit and came back home...it seriously looked like NOTHING even went wrong two hours before. The winds calmed down and the lights were back on to normal. Cheers to good friends, good company, and nothing happening to me, loved ones, the house, and my car.

It was almost like 2012 was happening right in front of my eyes as I stood there helpless.=\

"The day I almost died!"

Happy "Sweet" December. I'm not a fan of december but lets see how the rest of this year pans out as i'm a nervous wreck going into this month knowing that it already hasn't been off to a good start. Regardless, I wanted to begin the month also with a testimony/journal entry of a close close close friend of mines that many of you readers probably know. Just a mini background about the story...Nathan and two of my other friends went on a mission trip to honduras last year and came back with this story. Hope it inspires you somehow, someway, somewhere.

In August 2009, I went on a mission trip to Honduras with two members from my church. We stayed with two missionaries from the states, a lovely couple Shari and Terry, who led a ministry that catered to homeless and orphans. This is a journal entry/message from my mission trip to Honduras that I wrote in 2009. I feel I’ve come a long way since then, but I’ll never forget the journey I’ve experienced.

" On Saturday we were loading the truck up with supplies for another day of ministry and I saw 3 random guys walking over to the truck. They asked Terry if we needed help in Spanish so I went to grab some water containers to load into the truck. Then Terry yelled out to Shari to close the front door. I turn around and I see that one of the guys stepped foot into the garage area while the other two were pushing Terry around for something. I had no idea what was happening at first. I was standing face to face with the man who came through the garage and he lifted his shirt up a little to reveal a gun strapped to his belt. I started to panic and the first thing that came out of my mouth was “No”. I look over to Terry and I see that the other two men had guns as well. He started to yell some things and then pointed the gun at my face. I thought to myself, “Am I going to die right now?” I’ve heard stories of some people getting shot in the head over cell phones or for no reasons there. I prayed the fastest prayer in my life. “God keep me safe”. He directed me with his gun to go into the house and he told us all to sit down on the couch. They grabbed a laptop, camera, jewelry, and money. Shari kept trying to plead with the robbers saying not to hurt us because we were just missionaries. Terry came in shortly after with the other two robbers and started to say “En Cristo, En Cristo, En Cristo” They ordered us all to sit on the couch with the guns pointed yelling while the other robber grabbed our belongings. They quickly escaped. Shari called the police and called some of their American church members in Honduras. Everyone came shortly after for prayers and support. Shari came over to us and started crying saying “I’m sorry this happened to you guys because in all our years spent in Honduras this has never happened before."

When I was staring at death through the barrel of the gun I didn’t have one of those moments where your life in the past flashes before your eyes. I wasn’t thinking about my family and what would happen to them if I were to die. I wasn’t thinking about my friends or church. What came to my mind was God. I thought, if I were to die now, what would I have to show God for this life that I lived on Earth. This mediocre, unloving, selfish life that I have been living. No! I did not want it to end this way. I told God, “I can do more. I can do better for you Jesus. You gave me your all so give me another chance to give my all. Instead of my life flashing before my eyes, other people’s lives flashed before my eyes. Those who didn't have a relationship with God. Those who had no hope for eternity. My friends, coworkers, and family members. I thought about everyone in my life, that I am responsible for. I said “God, let me minister to them.” Please give me more time. Let me be a LIVING(not dead) sacrifice for your good and perfect will.

I sat down minutes after the incident, flipped the Bible open with no direction but the book opened up to Matthew 10:

28Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Before Saturday we had already visited the prison, orphanage, and did ministry work for the homeless. At the time I was thinking to myself, “This is fun and it‘s not so bad, I can see myself doing this long term.” I believe God woke me up on Saturday. God wanted to show me that the mission field is dangerous as well. If I’m willing to live for God, I have to be willing to die for him as well.

Finally this verse came to me:

7For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. 8If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

When the American church came over to pray with us after the robbery I started to realize how selfish I was being. The first thing that I did when I was facing death was to ask God to save me. That was my own desire for my own fate I was asking God to do for me. This verse shows that we belong to God whether dead or alive.

What’s amazing is that God answers prayers in ways I would never expect. Before the trip I asked God for only two things. I asked Him to draw me closer to Him and to take my relationship with Him to a new level and I asked Him to keep us safe. And He answered both prayers. God is so good. I’m so blessed. I always ask God, why ME!? Why do all these crazy things keep happening in my life? Because He truly loves me.

So I want to ask you all today. Look at your lives right now. Ask yourselves, what am I doing with my life? What are you priorities in life? Don’t take life on earth for granted. Spend every breath wisely. Go love your family, your friends, your children, your fellow church members. Children respect and love your parents. Parents love your children and raise them up using the word of God. Help to build each other up in love. Look for each other spiritually. Go out and fulfill the great commission. Finally, Glorify and Love God faithfully every day like it’s your last because He gave us His all."

....And it makes me think, What have I been doing since the day I almost died and had a second chance of life to glorify God?

"Nobody can avoid falling in love. They might want to deny it, but friendship is probably the most common form of love."

Satisfaction

Satisfaction 02:

Coming home on a mediocre mood to see your dog and he/she's wagging their tail like crazy at the sight of you. #bestfeelingever

satisfaction

Theres just some things in life that I would just ponder upon randomly throughout the day and just be so thankful for being so blessed. I think about some of the best feelings that one could feel and theres just so many. So to keep me up to date on this blog, everytime i think of one, I'll post it up. Heres the first

Satisfaction 01:

That moment when you stick out your hands to see if a baby wants to come to you and the moment they choose you and not turn away. #Bestfeelingever

greedy friday

As for most would say right now after thanksgiving is over and black friday just tip toed right by us, THANK YOU JESUS the NBA lockout is over. I thought i would be able to be happy and satisfied without it until this year when season did start when it should have made it a weird year like something was missing. No warriors pre- party while meeting the players along with the traditional opening game with my friends...all we had were these pity charity games that would save us from our misery and dire need of the taste of some basketball season. Now that they finally have agreed on being less greedy, we can now be one big happy basketball family.

Black friday schpeal was a fail thanks to fellow flakers who shouldnt really be mentioned but will be anyway...alyssa and brandon -___- who up to the date told me they were going to bare the cold and wait in line with me at bestbuy but told me two hours before the wait time that they were not going to go through with plans..ARGH. nonetheless, their missing presence didnt stop me and i bared the cold for 3.5 precious hours and indeed got everything i intended to go for. And yes, I came out as a happy camper...excluding the fact that I have learned my lesson. The lesson being that the greedier and greedier the economy has become with black friday with beginning the sales at 12am, i will get my rest and wake up at 4am where the lines have died out and the doorbusters will still be there as long as im not trying to cop a t.v. (But of course if you tell me this in person, I will never admit to it)

Hooray for deep discounts on my memory cards, crazy stupid love, love and other drugs, harddrives, ipod armbands, FUZZY SOCKS and random other crap that dove a huge hole in my account. Guess after Christmas is when i'll really have to start saving up for the big vacations i plan on doing in 2012.

thanksgiving 2011

Theres so many things to be so blessed about this year. I know I'm early for a thanksgiving post but because my church celebrates thanksgiving the sunday before the real day, i felt that today would be my thanksgiving day to just look over the past year and see what i'm really grateful for. Even the unfortunate things that have happened this year, i seem to still be more than grateful for..no matter how much it seems to slowly eat me alive inside out.

I think thats what growing up and maturing about is. Some things i'm more definitely grateful for and we can always be thankful for what we have that play a positive factor in our lives. But sometimes its not always about the positive things that we should always be thankful for. What changes and molds you the most are the negative things that you carry that makes you a better person because you're constantly striving for the better.

This year was the first year that my mom didn't celebrate thanksgiving with us at church. And this ongoing idea of her not going to church with us hadn't really hit me yet until I was at church seeing everyone take their family photos, but I believe God has some master plan behind his plan with my mom. And the only thing I can be patient for and still grateful for is that even though we'll have a part of our family missing while we do our usual church activities, her love and support for me hasn't changed and that I still have a mom to do that for me.

Another thing that i'm most thankful is the patience and tolerance i've learned over the past year through the situations. I've noticed that through many situations that i'd usually go crazy, keep grudges, get pissed off about, or be really upset with doesn't seem to phase me anymore. I'll think about it, stress a bit off of it, and move on with life. Its not something everyone can do on a daily basis..the thoughts are always lingering but theres not much time to waste on something that brings such negative energy in your life, just think about it and if it affects you, change it so it benefits you. Don't sit there wasting time over it because theres way more to life than that .5% of additional stress.

I would write more that I'm thankful for right now but I'm racing against time to grab some sleep and my minds keeping me from completely sorting out my thoughts so i'll leave you with a jist of what I'm thankful for and i hope you can think outside of the box to find things that you're usually not thankful for but is.

happpppyyy thanksgiving, gobble gobble.

5 is the norm

Theres this on going of bittersweetness that I've been feeling for the past two years. I'd say more of a bitter now than of sweet just because as times crunching and moneys wasting, I still can't get some of the classes that I need to get me out of this school that we call "college". What gets me the most is when people who are so judgmental towards the students who take over four years to graduate. Its one thing to understand that some may not have their things together and another thing to understand that for some of us, we don't want or choose to be here for over 4 years. But because we ended up being part of the horrible california budget crisis, we're stuck here without being able to get any classes or barely getting any classes to graduate within the four years. 5 years is the NORM for graduating on time, and for those of you to not have to deal with it every semester...praying, hoping, and losing sleep every semester near registration time, is something you'd have to shut your mouth, understand, and have a more positive attitude towards our struggles.

It has gotten to be the biggest pet peeve where people have come up to me every week asking me, when are you graduating and as I tell them some time between the next year and half, they give me this dirty look like i've been slacking off and it gives them something to look down on me for. If only they knew and understood what state students go through DYING to get these classes. No one wants to be in that stage of knowledge knowing that they WANT to be in college for over 4 years, even though its way more fun than the real world. And no one definitely wants to drop way over 2 g's every semester pretty much donating to the crisis. If only the people would understand that we do try and its not a guaranteed four year degree. And of everyone to understand, I wish my parents would be the first ones to see that I have been trying, that I am trying and that i am not trying to prolong my graduation because I'm in love with the thought of college and living the college life, but its really because of the damn crisis of getting the classes that ARENT being offered at the same time.

"It is more important to know where you are going than to get there quickly. Do not mistake activity for achievement." -Mabel Newcomber

Does anybody know youre a christian?

This spoken word hit me the hardest cause it speaks nothing but the truth. It def explains everything I'm trying to work on but cant seem to reciprocate anything a Christian should be portraying. Kudos to Karness (the guy speaking)

"And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about." -Haruki Murakami

warm fuzzies

I think lately i've just been going with the flow of everything. Not having much emotions or two cents for anything or anyone. Ok maybe I take that back, I still have emotions for some people. But as for anything that goes for me lately, I just seem to think about it for at most an hour...let time pass then completely forget that it happened. I don't know if its a good mush brain thing that i enjoy having or a horrible trait/habit that i'm beginning to have. I.E. I got into a car accident and as an initial thought, you'd expect to be freaking out, pissed, scared, etc. but i think when i got into my first accident, i was just a bit upset for at most 30 minutes and the rest of the day/week was just flew past my mind and the thought never came back to me. Then recently I had extra mush brain and somehow completely forgot my car keys, wallet, house and bike keys were in my locker at work but by the time i remembered the door and alarm was set not being able to get into the building. I was carless, keyless, and wallet less, and was blessed enough to have a coworker bring me home but that didn't phase me for more than an hour. Maybe its beginning to take a toll on me because when things do seem to make a difference and actually have me thinking about it overnight, it probably means i should start being aware of my surroundings.

I guess I could just say i've been so blessed. Blessed with friends who have completely warmed my heart to learn to not give a crap about things that don't last forever. But that's not the point of why its motivated me to write about it on this. Its something thats been on my mind since last night after I decided to join the sjsu inter varsity group on campus last night. The last people i'd expect to see there, was there. And that super warm fuzzied feeling I've gotten since last night...a quote to sum up my emotions that are everywhere right now would probably just be "Lord I'm Amazed by you". I haven't seen my friend in two years that i've met since freshman year. Freshmen year full of basketball memories, party memories, when we first met new people..you know the people you start college off with that always have a part in your heart no matter what. Seeing her was an amazing surprise and i think if you read from my previous blogs, I always just seem to enjoy it the most when my friends talk about growing up and doing something big for themselves and I believe she's doing that right now. And even better, rekindling friendships IN the presence of God. What more could I have asked for. I can't preach it anymore than I do but seriously, waiting for God's timing is the crucial key to learning and appreciating things in life. EVERYTHING happens for a reason and come what may, I hope these warm fuzzies stay with me for a while.